Another Hesitation Ramification
by Daedaleopsis
Summary: Sheldon has always said that Penny and Leonard's relationship was a mistake. How will he react when he learns that Leonard couldn't accept Penny's proposal? *Shenny*
1. Chapter 1

Spoilers through Episode 7x12, The Hesitation Ramification, and AU from very close to the end of the episode. Unbeta'd, and I'm not sure I'm going to add any more to this. I was just so excited at the possibilities presented by this episode. I want to see Sheldon and Penny get their confidence back.

Leonard had just finished telling his roommate about how Penny had proposed, and how he didn't say yes. He was feeling depressed, unsure if their relationship was over.

Sheldon awkwardly patted his friend's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Leonard."

Leonard squinted up at him disbelievingly. "That's it? You're not gonna make some dumb joke or inappropriate comment?"

"No, Leonard. In the past, I've made no secret of the fact that I don't think the two of you are good for each other. Yet I want you to know that when I had heard that you and Penny had initiated your 'beta test' that I had a conversation with her."

Leonard groaned aloud. "What did you say to her?"

"I told her, don't hurt my friend."

"Oh. Wow, Sheldon... I had no idea. That... that was actually a really nice thing to do," Leonard noted, the surprise evident in his voice.

"The problem with your relationship, Leonard-" At this, Leonard groaned again and buried his head in his hands.

"-is that you have been in love with Penny for a long time, without ever really asking yourself if you liked her. When you looked at her, all you saw was how beautiful she was. You never considered her core personality traits, probably because they don't suit your own temperament. Your relationship started because she felt sorry for you, and you capitalized on those feelings to strengthen the emotional ties between you. Eventually, when her self-esteem hit a low point, you were able to swoop in. Your attention made her feel good about herself, but then her sense of worth became enmeshed in a destructive relationship. Instead of working hard to accomplish her dreams, she just tried to convince herself that you were all she needed to be fulfilled in life."

"Now your relationship has progressed to the point where her reaching for her dreams threatens your relationship, since it may bolster her self-esteem to the point where she might realize that the two of you shouldn't be together. She had the strength to do it once before, and she could do so again. So when she suffered a setback, you were quick to undermine her confidence. And when she finally felt she had nothing good left in her life but you, you turned her down. I don't know what your end game is, Leonard, but I must say, you are quite the evil genius. For myself, I must say that while I do not love Penny, I like her too much to treat her that way."

Leonard was staring at his roommate, mouth agape. "That's not- I don't- where are you even getting all this psychological bullshit?"

Sheldon raised his chin defiantly. "I have agreed to read one magazine per month in the 'softer sciences' of neurology and psychology. In exchange, she has agreed to read one magazine in the field of particle or theoretical physics in the same timeframe. It gives us something to talk about on date nights. While I still have no respect for the biological sciences, never let it be said that Sheldon Cooper cannot psychoanalyze with the best of them." With that, Sheldon swept off, leaving his roommate to wonder if he had accidentally stumbled into an episode of the _Twilight Zone_.

In the middle of the night, Sheldon tossed and turned in his sleep. He was having a very vivid dream which was about to cast some light on certain aspects of his life. In his dream, he was lying on a steel table, strapped down with restraints. He looked down and began to sweat when he saw that below the neck, he was a furry black and white capuchin monkey. He cast an apprehensive glance upward and almost shrieked in alarm. A giant-sized Amy towered above him. She was clad in a white lab coat, and she held a scalpel in one hand and a pair of tweezers in another.

"Just a little bit more..." she was saying as the tweezers dipped down and disappeared above his line of sight.

"Amy, what are you doing?" he cried fearfully.

"I've finally figured out the way to turn you into a normal boyfriend," Amy replied happily. As she spoke, she held up a hand to reveal a miniature TARDIS clasped in her tweezers. "This definitely has to go. And this, too," she added after a pause, holding up a tiny Enterprise.

"No! Not Spock! Amy, you have to stop!" Sheldon begged.

She looked at him quizzically. "You're not making logical sense, Sheldon. All I have to do is remove the parts of you that stand in the way of our relationship, and then we'll both... be so... happy together." She was struggling with something, yanking harder and then putting her foot up on the edge of the table for leverage.

"Amy, you must cease this nonsense at once," Sheldon ordered, trying for a stern and commanding tone of voice.

Instead of replying, she gave a final tug, and then held up a model of a bacterium with a wide grin. "Ha! We're getting closer. This is your germ phobia."

"Why are you doing this? I thought you were fond of me," he said, trying another tack.

"_Fond_ of you? Sheldon, I love you. I've loved you for a very long time. Now, if you'll just stop squirming around, I think I can finally reach this last obstacle."

Sheldon struggled harder, but his small form was no match for the tight bands holding him fast. It seemed that Amy was deep inside the recesses of his mind now, and she was glaring ferociously as she jerked and worried at whatever it was she had found. With one final heave, she tumbled backward onto the floor, but the scowl on her face indicated that she had not been successful.

Instead, a holographic recording projected from his brain into the air above him. Both he and Amy could see it quite clearly. It was a memory from almost a year ago, when Amy had been trying to "cure" him of his need for closure. She stopped winding a jack-in-the-box toy before it popped up, sang all but the last few words of a song, and prevented an elaborate domino set-up from completely tumbling over. When she presented Sheldon with a mock birthday cake and then blocked him from blowing out the candles, he had had enough. In his frustration, he growled that he wished she were dead. Then the scene moved forward, speeding past Sheldon's trickery to get rid of Amy. He completed all the tasks Amy had interrupted. Then, Penny stuck her head in the door and told Sheldon that she loved him. He replied, "I love you too" in a voice that was somehow preternaturally amplified. The words echoed off of the steel-topped table, the linoleum floor, and the neat rows of cabinetry in the lab.

With a shriek of rage, Amy began to grow larger and larger until her head pushed up the ceiling tiles.

"No! You're mine! You love me! I will _make_ you love me!" She began slashing away at his head with wild swings. Although it didn't hurt, Sheldon could feel his mind and soul slipping away under the onslaught. Then Amy, eyes glowing red, raised the scalpel in a two-handed grip and brought it down aimed directly at his heart.

Sheldon sat bolt upright in bed, the echoes of his screams fading from the room.

A soft rapping noise intruded into Penny's slumbering unconsciousness. She rolled over, taking half the covers with her as she sighed and opened her eyes. She shrieked at the sight of her quirky next door neighbor looming over her bed.

"Sheldon, what the hell! You scared me! What are you doing here?"

"I had to talk to you," he blurted out.

"At 2:16 in the morning?" she moaned, after glancing at her Hello Kitty alarm clock.

"Actually, yes. Tomorrow may be too late. Tonight is the only time I could be assured of having a private conversation with you."

"Fine," she grumbled, sitting up and turning on a small table lamp on her nightstand. "What is so important that you had to interrupt my sleep?"

Sheldon hesitated, then gingerly sat down on the edge of her bed. He began telling her about his dream and about the advice he had tried to give Leonard earlier that evening.

"I told him that he loved you but didn't like you, and that I liked you but didn't love you. But I was overlooking one crucial piece of evidence. In fact, with my eidetic memory, I am amazed that I could have missed it. Up until a few years ago, there were only three women in the world to whom I have ever said 'I love you', and they were all related to me."

He paused, then soldiered on. "Recently, Penny, you became the fourth. I remember it was after a particularly exasperating evening in which Amy once again tried to force me to change. I told her that I wished she were dead. Then I told her she was a wonderful girlfriend with my fingers crossed behind my back, just to get her to leave. A few minutes later, you poked your head in the door. You told me that you loved that I was in your life, and I responded, 'I love you too.'"

"Sheldon, that doesn't mean-" Penny began.

"I think it does mean something," he interrupted her. "I think we have both been trying to change to make someone else happy, instead of being with someone who will allow us to be ourselves."

"This coming from the guy who tried to train me with chocolates?" Penny asked skeptically.

Sheldon fidgeted. Darn, he was hoping she had forgotten about that.

"I will concede that neither one of us has been a perfect friend, but I am willing to start over. I have drawn up a relationship contract that specifies how we can resolve our differences."

She stared at the sheaf of papers as if it would bite her. He was serious, she thought. Holy crap on a cracker, Sheldon was seriously considering dating her! Well, she knew exactly how she could nip all this in the bud.

"Sweetie, there's one thing you're forgetting. Amy is willing to put up with a lot from you, and that includes your phobia about germs and being touched. I could never be in a relationship with someone who didn't want to touch me."

"I have considered that aspect of a relationship with you as well," Sheldon replied. "As you may recall, I have already had my hands on a rather intimate area of your body-what I believe you would refer to as 'second base'. I have seen you naked, and I have voluntarily hugged you on more than one occasion. Our friendship is already far more physically intimate than my dating relationship with Amy, which I plan to terminate tomorrow, regardless of your decision."

"All right, let's settle this here and now, Sheldon," Penny said. She just wanted to get back to sleep. Even when she was at her best, he could talk circles around her, but she was sure she knew how to shut him up for good.

"Kiss me, Sheldon," she commanded, leaning forward. The neckline of her nightie fell open, and his eyes were involuntarily drawn to her cleavage before he looked away, tongue running nervously over his lips. Hesitantly, he put a hand on her shoulder, feeling the bare skin surrounding the thin strap. She smirked at him. He reached up to touch her hair, tangling his fingers in her golden locks as he drew his hand down. Her smug look faltered. With his other hand, he brushed her cheek with the lightest of caresses. Her mouth dropped open slightly. His gaze fastened intently on her lips, and suddenly she felt unsure and nervous. He leaned in slightly and met her eyes with a heavy-lidded look. She swayed toward him and closed the last fraction of a gap between them.

His lips were firm, but very soft.

Her lips moved across his in a unbearable frisson of pleasure.

His hand fisted gently but insistently in her hair, and she sucked in a quick indrawn breath. Her hands crept of their own volition to clutch at his pajama shirt. He didn't know exactly what he was doing, and there was really no way she should be getting turned on by the idea of his inexperience.

He pulled away, and she felt bereft, staring into his eyes in bewilderment.

"Actually, I think you were the one who kissed me, Penny," he said in a baritone that sent shivers down her spine. He pushed the relationship contract into her unresisting hands.

"Think about it," he whispered. "I'll be waiting."


	2. Chapter 2

Penny didn't sleep well the rest of the night. When she finally dragged herself out of bed around 9:30 in the morning, she had half-convinced herself that she had hallucinated last night. No way had Sheldon-frickin'-Cooper asked her out and kissed her. Unfortunately, the stack of papers entitled "Relationship Agreement between Penny Larsen and Sheldon Cooper, PhD" made it impossible to dismiss last night's weird turn of events. No, she thought, shaking her head, she refused to think about either one of her next-door neighbors. Both of them were driving her crazy.

She puttered around the apartment, looking for some distraction. Breakfast was a cup of yogurt and coffee, black-no way was she going across the hall to steal milk today. She showered and pulled on a scoop-necked t-shirt and sweats, gathering her wet hair in a knot on top of her head. Her cable was on the fritz again (okay, she was actually a little behind with the bill), so she decided to go check her mail to see if she had any new magazines or catalogs.

She was just reaching inside her mail box when she heard a familiar voice behind her say, "Hello, Penny."

She swung around in shock. "Sheldon! What are you doing here? Why aren't you at work?"

"Apparently, I have accumulated too many vacation hours, and I was compelled to take some time off. I'm surprised to see you up this early; it's not even eleven o'clock."

"Yeah, well, I don't actually sleep in 'til eleven. I'm just not much of a morning person."

He nodded and took a step closer. His hands were clasped behind his back in a posture that she had always taken for aloofness, but now she wondered if it was actually restraint on his part.

"Penny, I would like to have a serious discussion with you. Is now a convenient time?"

She looked at him and felt the weight of decision pressing down on her. It was not a feeling she liked. She wanted to float through life, to have things come easily to her. It was part of the reason why she had always wanted to be an actress. In her mind, actors seemed to have everything handed to them on a silver platter. Now, as she met his serious gaze, she panicked.

"Sheldon, I... I can't," she said in a rush. "I just proposed to Leonard last night, and it didn't work out. I don't even know if we're still together, but I sure as hell can't start dating his best friend the next day."

Sheldon visibly deflated, but to her surprise he nodded and said, "I do not disagree with your assessment of the current situation. That is why I wished to have a private conversation with you."

Penny scrunched up her face in confusion. "You think I'm right?"

"I would prefer to discuss this in a more private setting. Would you come back upstairs with me?" he asked.

Curious, Penny nodded, and they walked up the stairs in silence. Sheldon ushered her into his apartment.

"May I offer you a hot beverage?" he offered.

"Why, do I look upset?"

"I am uncertain how you may react to what I have to say."

"Look, Sheldon, if you're just going to tell me that you had a bad batch of _mee krob_ and that this whole thing was a mistake, then maybe I should just leave," Penny said, feeling on edge. Although she knew that jumping into a relationship with Sheldon would be a mistake, she really didn't wanted to be rejected again, or worse, listen to him enumerate her faults.

He eyed her warily and sat down next to her on the leather sofa. "Penny, do you remember when Dr. Beverly Hofstadter told you that you had an external locus of identity?"

"Uh... what?" she stammered, confused by the sudden change of topic.

"It was the first time you met her. In the time it took for you to walk with her from the lobby to the fourth floor, she had you crying about how your father used to call you Slugger."

"Oh yeah, that woman was a piece of work."

"Well, I believe that she was correct in her insight. Perhaps at that time, you didn't fully realize the implications of what she was trying to tell you, but her point was that you attain your sense of self from the people around you. So if your friends believe in you, you will feel confident, and if they don't, you'll be discouraged and think you're a failure. I don't know how, Penny, but I think you need to learn to rely on yourself for confidence rather than looking to your friends. Especially within this particular group of friends, I think you have been comparing your IQ and career to ours and have been feeling inadequate."

"That... actually makes sense," Penny said thoughtfully.

"Recently, Penny, you were working in the evening, and Amy joined us for dinner. Leonard, Howard, and Raj were here as well, and we all sat in our habitual places, with the exception of Amy, who sat where you normally do. Our social interaction was an unmitigated disaster. Instead of communicating with each other, we all turned our attention to our various electronic devices. Amy attempted to draw us out into conversation, but she was unsuccessful in doing so. My point is, Penny, that you are the heart of our group, the glue that holds us together. You may not have an academic bent, but that does not mean you are without talent."

Penny smiled at him, but she was blinking rapidly as she struggled to keep the tears from falling.

"I also have a suggestion for you," he said, looking away. He rose and began pacing nervously around the room. He stopped near his desk, conscious of the fact that he was putting a literal distance between them.

"I think you should take some time for yourself, away from romantic entanglements, to discover what you really want in life. I know that this flies in the face of what I proposed to you yesterday evening. But after further consideration, I feel obligated to suggest this to you because I believe it may be the best course of action for your own good. I... I want you to be happy again. I want you to be able to get through a week without anesthetizing yourself with alcohol and sex. I want you to believe in yourself."

Tears were streaming down Penny's face by the time Sheldon got to the end of his speech. He was right, she realized. Somewhere along the way, she had lost sight of her dreams. She had convinced herself that all she needed to be happy was good friends and a boyfriend who worshipped her, while ignoring how often she turned to drink to mask how empty and miserable she had become.

She wiped her cheeks with the backs of her hands and walked over to him. Putting her arms around him, she hugged him tightly, overlooking the fact that he was standing stiffly with his arms at his sides.

"You're right, sweetie," she said, releasing him and taking a step back. "I have sort of lost myself. I hate being a waitress. All my friends are successful career types, and when something big happens in their life, while I'm happy for them, it also kills me a little inside."

She bit her lip and looked down. "And what I said earlier about you and me? I wasn't wrong, but the way you said it makes more sense. I'm... a mess," she said, starting to tear up again. "I shouldn't be in any kind of relationship right now because I hate my life, and anyone that I'd be with, I'd just bring them down with me."

Sheldon gently reached out and tilted her chin up until she was looking him in the eye.

"Penny, you are an amazing person, one I feel privileged to have in my life. As far as I am concerned, your happiness supersedes my own. If you decide you want to go back to college, or pursue an acting career, or just marry Leonard, as long as it makes you happy, I will support you. I have been and am, first and foremost, your friend."

She launched herself at him, wrapping her arms around him, and this time, he slowly brought his arms up to return the hug.

"Sheldon, right now I think you are my best friend."


	3. Chapter 3

Later that evening, Penny heard a knock on her door. Since it was just a plain knock, she was pretty sure she knew who it was. Looking through her peephole, she saw Leonard standing there with a tense expression on his face, holding a big bunch of red roses. An involuntary sigh escaped her lips when she saw the flowers. Sometimes a romantic gift could smooth over a rough patch in a relationship. Theirs was not a rough patch, however, but more like a yawning chasm.

She let him in and accepted the roses with subdued thanks. She laid the blooms on the counter still shrouded in their protective plastic and sat down on the sofa. Leonard took a seat in the chair next to her. After an awkward few seconds, he suddenly broke down and started begging for her forgiveness. He should have been more supportive, he said. He was sorry he didn't say what she needed to hear about her acting career. He pleaded with her not to break up with him just because of one stupid mistake.

Penny listened to him with a kind of detached impassivity. This wasn't just one mistake, she countered in her head. It was a pattern of him not really seeing her as a person. She remembered the first time they broke up, how quick he had been to have meaningless sex with the next willing woman that came along. There was the time that he told her he only spent time with her in order to get laid, and the time he had laughed when Amy broke her nose. Nevertheless, she wasn't ready to end the relationship. They'd had some good times, too. She liked hanging out with him and the rest of the gang. If he was awkward and unsure, he could also be very sweet, like when he had preserved a snowflake for her at the North Pole.

When he stuttered to a halt, she told him that she needed some time to think. Clearly, that wasn't the answer he was hoping for, but it was also better than his worst-case scenario. Squinting hopefully at her, he asked her how much time did she need: a day, a week? When she told him she wanted some space to figure out who she really was and what she really wanted out of life, he began to look annoyed. He argued that she already knew who she was, and how long did she expect him to wait around, anyway?

That last remark sent a searing pain through her chest. It sounded as if he didn't think she was worth waiting for. She couldn't help but compare his words to what Sheldon had said to her earlier that day. In a flash of anger, she stood and ordered Leonard out of her apartment. She repeated that she needed time to think, but if he wasn't willing to wait, he should just say so and spare them both all of this drama. Of course, that brought on a fresh spate of begging and tears-_tears_-but her mind was full of thoughts of another man's patient, selfless encouragement. She finally got him to leave by threatening to summarily end things here and now if he didn't respect her wishes.

When Leonard was finally gone, she curled up in her bed under her well-worn comforter. Dry-eyed, she stared into the distance, wondering if she hadn't made the right decision three years ago in the bowling alley. Wil Wheaton had observed that she didn't really love Leonard, and that stringing him along was only going to hurt him more when they inevitably broke up. At the time, she believed he was right. When Leonard's desperation and her crumbling self-esteem had led her back into the same dead-end relationship, she had never considered how it might hurt her as well.

When Amy's face appeared on the computer screen via Skype, she looked happy. Sheldon's heart sank. Although he was convinced that they no longer belonged together, he had no wish to hurt her feelings.

"Amy, I wish to discuss the status of our relationship," he began.

At first she looked overjoyed, and then her expression turned wary. "What is this all about, Sheldon?"

"Amy, when we first met, neither one of us wished to be anything more than friends. But over time, your desires have changed. Mine have not. As I watched my friends pursue romantic relationships, I began to realize that they placed a higher value on them than friendships. Considering that they might be more well-versed than I in social protocol, I experimented with a non-platonic attachment, testing the hypothesis that a romantic relationship could be superior to friendship."

"Yes, Shelton, that's right. Our relationship is much stronger and more worthwhile than any friendship," Amy said eagerly.

"I'm not so sure," Sheldon replied, eliciting a frown from Amy. "In the past three years, you have not shown any interest in sharing any of my hobbies or interests. Furthermore, you have often mocked and derided the things that I enjoy. I do not believe those are the actions of a friend. Additionally, I have not been able to accustom myself to the physical demands of a relationship. I dislike holding hands with you, and I have no wish for further intimacies. Some months ago, I told you that I felt our relationship was very intimate. I believe you misunderstood what I meant by that. I meant that our relationship was as physically intimate as I wanted it to be."

"Sheldon, you just need to give yourself more time-" Amy began.

"Be honest, Amy, where do you see us in a year?" he interrupted.

"Engaged, of course," Amy said promptly.

"Engaged? Whatever do you mean by that?" Sheldon asked in a panicked tone.

"We are two of the most logical, intellectual people on earth," Amy said. "Naturally, we belong together. I had hoped that you would see that by now. Just imagine how brilliant our children will be. Why, they could take over the world if they wanted to."

"Children?" Sheldon echoed, stunned. "Amy, we have already discussed and discarded the idea of reproduction by artificial insemination."

She crossed her arms and scowled at him wordlessly.

"You don't really think that I... and you..."

"Will have sex some day? Yes, and the sooner the better," she replied crossly.

"Amy, why would you wish to marry me and have children with me when you don't even like so much of who I am?" he asked, seeking for some sort of logic in her reasoning.

"We were meant to be together," she said firmly. "If I believed in fate, I would say that we were destined for each other."

"Amy, just because you keep repeating something, that does not make it true. I am tired of you trying to change me. I don't want to kiss you, and I most definitely do not want to have sex with you. I see no reason for this relationship to continue."

"Sheldon, you don't mean that," Amy said in a quavering little voice. "You've told me that I'm important to you. I'm on your screensaver."

"Amy, I do care for you, but not in a romantic sense. I don't want the same things you do. I am convinced that I would never be able to make you happy, nor do I wish to try."

Amy was crying now, making Sheldon feel supremely uncomfortable at such an excessive display of emotion. "But Sheldon, I love you," she cried.

"I do not return your feelings, Amy, and that is why this relationship must end."

After a few more unproductive minutes of rehashing the same arguments, Sheldon finally ended the conversation and logged off. He sighed. He had hoped that he and Amy could continue to be friends, but it seemed that the old adage about romance ruining a friendship would likely be true in his case as well.

Penny was at work when she received the call from Amy. When she heard sobbing on the other end of the line, she knew immediately that Sheldon had followed through with his intent to break up with his girlfriend. She still had an hour left on her shift, so she told Amy to hang in there, and she would be over as soon as possible. As soon as she hung up, she dialed Bernie, who quickly agreed to go straight over to Amy's place, armed with tissues, ice cream, and a bottle of wine. Penny ended the call, feeling a twinge of guilt. She was going to comfort her friend over being dumped, while she strongly suspected she had something to do with the ending of the relationship. But it couldn't be helped. She hadn't said no to Leonard; she hadn't said yes to Sheldon. She was in a dating limbo.

Penny cut out of work a little bit early, charming one of the bus boys to fill the salt and pepper shakers and bundle up silverware for her. She stopped only to pick up another bottle of wine because hey, you could never have too much wine at a post-break-up consolation party, right? Or maybe "crying fest" would be a more accurate term, she thought as she parked and entered Amy's building.

As she let herself in to Amy's apartment, she could see Amy huddled on the couch, crying. There was an enormous pile of used tissues littering the floor all around her. Bernadette was at her side, stroking her hair and murmuring soothing platitudes. Penny joined them, and Amy immediately launched herself at her bestie, all but strangling her in a death grip of desperation.

After a few hours of sympathizing with Amy, telling her all men were jerks and that she deserved better, Penny and Bernadette finally got Amy to go to bed. The three glasses of wine that she'd drunk might have helped her along. Penny groaned when she saw it was almost 1:30 in the morning, and she drove very carefully on the way home. If she was really going to turn over a new leaf, the last thing she needed was a DUI conviction.


	4. Chapter 4

The following morning, Penny was rummaging through her cabinets for something to eat for breakfast. Although she hated to admit it, being on the outs with Leonard meant that she needed to start buying her own groceries and stop mooching off of her next-door neighbors. But that's what this break was all about, right? Finding out who she was? Well, she was pretty sure she didn't want to be the kind of person who takes advantage of other people.

Speaking of that, how on earth was she going to go about "finding herself"? Man, it sounded so cheesy when she put it like that. She liked the word Sheldon used: introspection. Made it sound like something worthwhile. Well, the next step seemed to get rid of distractions... temporarily, at least. So no more online shoe shopping and no clubbing. As a matter of fact, she was pretty sure that drinking at home when she was all by herself wasn't a healthy behavior either.

Penny opened her cabinets and stared at all the bottles. She wrinkled her nose in disgust when she realized just how many there were. Most of them weren't wine, either. There was vodka, tequila, schnapps and the familiar shape of a Jack Daniels in the very back. She drew in a deep breath, feeling stunned. She didn't even remember buying that one. It was her mother's panacea of choice, and it showed just how low she had sunk that she would purchase the very thing that had made her teenage years so miserable. She worked so hard, every day, to pretend that she was fine, that everything was great. It was no wonder that she had blown people away in the high school theater productions. She pretended so much, all the time, that it was a relief to pretend to be someone else, someone who wasn't real and whose problems she could walk away from when the curtain fell.

The whisky went first, down the drain of her kitchen sink. As she watched the brown liquid swirl, she felt a surge of triumphant joy. The rest of the alcohol followed. When she was done, she gathered all the bottles in a large black trash bag. Slipping sneakers on her feet, she left the apartment building and rounded the block to an overgrown lot behind an abandoned row home. Glancing furtively around, she pulled out the bottles and sent them sailing through the air to smash against the brick wall. With each tinkling crash, she felt as though she were placing a wall between her past and her future. Goodbye to calling herself an actress but not going to auditions. Goodbye to getting drunk alone at night. Goodbye to using sex to feel attractive and desirable. Goodbye to deluding herself into thinking friends were all she needed to be happy. When all that was left was a pile of glittering shards, Penny sashayed back to her apartment, feeling light and freer than she had felt in a long time.

The rest of the morning she spent cleaning her apartment. Sure, it may not have been up to Sheldon's standards, but she did a lot more than her usual cursory swipe. She even used her neighbors' emergency key to borrow some of Sheldon's cleaning supplies. Somehow, she was certain that this was one item he wouldn't begrudge her.

Around two o'clock, she stopped for a shower and an hour's nap before she had to go to work at the Cheesecake Factory. Her shift was the usual combination of chaos, leering male customers, spilled food and screaming toddlers. Every time she started to feel frazzled, she brought to mind the memory of shattered glass and the feeling of control. Then she was able to straighten her shoulders, plaster a smile on her face, and carry on.

Around eleven o'clock that night, she finally trudged up the stairs of 2311 North Robles on aching feet. It had been a good night, though. She had kept her composure, more so than most shifts, and had come home with unusually high tips. As she pushed open her door, her foot trod on something that crackled. Startled, she bent down and picked up the offending item. It was a flat brown paper bag, the kind that were sometimes used by gift shops. Peering into the bag, her eyebrows rose. She reached in and pulled out a glitter-covered Hello Kitty spiral-bound notebook. Underneath the notebook was a pen, also pink, with a ridiculous fluffy marabou feather decorating the top. There was a piece of paper sticking up from inside the notebook. Pulling it out, she read the printed message.

Dear Penny,

You asked me the other day how you ought to go about discovering who you truly are and what you really want out of life. As I researched on the internet, I found that journaling is a helpful process for many people. It aids them in examining their deep and often hidden motivations. I hope this may help you as well.

Sincerely,

Sheldon Cooper, PhD

A huff of laughter escaped from her startled lips as she imagined Sheldon insisting Leonard drive him to some gift shop or stationary store and then buying these silly frou-frou items. Smiling, she carefully placed the notebook and pen in the exact center of her kitchen counter. They would be the first thing she saw tomorrow.

Why did I want to become an actress?

This was the first line that Penny wrote in her new journal the following morning. Thoughtfully, she brushed the end of her chin with her feathered pen. Then she started writing:

I remember desperately wanting to leave Nebraska. I saw too many kids from my area have big dreams, only to end up working retail or taking care of the baby they got knocked up with. I wanted more. I wanted to be important. I didn't want to struggle with money.

She paused, and thought about what she had just written. The irony did not escape her. She was in a different state, but she was working a dead-end service job and constantly having problems paying her bills. So she kept journaling:

But now I'm in California, working as a waitress who can barely pay the rent and cable, even when I do mooch off my neighbors for food and wi-fi. Different place, same situation. So clearly, moving to California didn't magically solve my problems. Which means my problem never

was _that I lived in Omaha. Holy crap. I really thought that if I could just make it to Hollywood, that someone would recognize my talent pretty quick and I would become rich and famous. But I was wrong. It doesn't work that way. Just because I'm near where they make movies doesn't mean I'm more likely to become a movie star. Like Leonard said, there are hundreds of pretty and talented girls here, all hoping to become famous. I guess going to a couple of auditions a month is as least as much as all those other girls do too._

Penny set her pen down carefully and stared at the notebook page covered in her cursive scrawl with a feeling akin to awe. To be truthful, she hadn't really expected much out of this journaling idea. Instead, as she wrote, she found that she was beginning to uncover some truths about herself... things that she had never realized, or that her awareness of had slowly eroded over time and disappointment.

Excited, she pulled out her phone and sent Sheldon a text:

Omg Sheldon this journaling stuff really works! I cant believe it! Just figured out I never really left Omaha. U r the bomb!

His reply came back within a few minutes:

Hello, Penny. I assume that your assertion of never having left Omaha is a metaphor since you did relocate to California. I am glad that your journaling has already proven fruitful. Best wishes. Sincerely, Sheldon Cooper, PhD

She read it and snorted with laughter. She didn't know anyone who could sound so stiff and formal, even in a text message. Maybe she wasn't the only one who could get in touch with their inner feelings through journaling. Smiling at the thought, she picked up her notebook and began to write again.


	5. Chapter 5

More than a week had passed since the drunken proposal. It became obvious pretty quickly how much Penny had depended on the guys financially. After she paid her rent and utilities, she couldn't afford much more than ramen noodles and popcorn. It was hard, some nights, trudging up four flights of stairs on aching feet. She imagined that she smelled the delectable fragrance of pizza or Chinese take-out wafting from apartment 4A, even though they would have eaten dinner hours before she got home. She had asked for more hours at the Cheesecake Factory, and more of the prime evening and weekend shifts as well. But the truth was, everyone who was working there wanted the good shifts. Her boss had been sympathetic, but he wasn't able to give her all the hours she wanted.

_Let's face it_, she thought. _Without the guys, I would have had to move back to Omaha years ago. _That was especially true of Sheldon. Recently, she had tallied up what she owed him and found the amount was over twenty-three hundred dollars. That was more than two month's rent. She was quickly beginning to realize that she had a career crisis. She simply didn't make enough money waitressing. The worst part was, if she really wanted to pursue an acting career, she should take acting classes and have new head shots done, all of which cost more money which she just didn't have.

It was time to make some tough decisions, time to grow up. The next time she opened her journal, she started out with the question: _Is talent enough to make a career in acting?_

_I'm good at acting because I was always pretending to everyone. I wanted to be pretty and popular and not think about what was actually going on at home. I thought if I pretended that my life was great, that somehow the lie would become the reality. I did the same thing with Leonard, too, didn't I? I pretended that I loved him because I wanted it to be true. He was sweet and nice and he had a good job, and he was crazy about me. I thought I could make myself love him back. I do love him, in a way, but not the way he feels about me. He's proposed to me four times, and each time I said no. I kept telling myself I just wasn't ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. I don't love him. Pretending didn't make it happen._

She was crying by the time she got to the end of that paragraph. Her relationship with Leonard never had a real chance, did it? It was just another act, and she had always kept an eye on her exit, stage left. That was the real reason she could never say yes to him. Perhaps he had felt that her proposal was really a final gesture of futility and self-loathing. Strangely, he had been right to turn her down, even though he had probably been motivated more by wounded pride than any sense of the wrongness of their entire relationship.

She bent over her notebook again. _ I liked being Leonard's girlfriend_, she wrote. _He always put me up on a pedestal. It made me feel good about myself, even when I was being passed over for auditions or getting food spilled all over my Cheesecake Factory uniform. I guess in a way, I was just using him. Of course, all he seemed to want was a pretty girl on his arm who put out regularly. I guess he was using me too._

She read back over what she had written. She wanted to figure out what to do with her life, so why did she keep coming back to her relationships? She picked up her pen, trying to stick to the topic at hand.

_I think I'm actually good at acting. But I don't know if that's enough to actually become an actor. Let's face it, my big break may never come, no matter how many times I audition or which classes I take. So what then? Do I continue to work at the Cheesecake Factory, waiting for a moment which may never come? Or do I find something else in life that I want to do, something that will make me happy? One thing's for sure, friends are not enough to make me happy while slogging away as a waitress. Honestly, that was such a cop-out. Just a sign of how desperate I was at the time, I guess. Trying to convince myself that I didn't need to ever succeed to be happy. What was I thinking? Of course I need to succeed in something. But do I need to succeed at acting? All I can really say at this point is, I _want_ to._

_So is there anything else that I might be happy doing, something that I could do to earn a living? The only other thing I remember doing that gave me that same sense of accomplishment was my Penny Blossoms business. I mean, it really was amazing that someone loved my creations so much that they ordered 2,000 of them! I just wasn't prepared to deal with the reality of running a business. Sheldon was such a big help then, too. He stayed up all night, hyper on caffeine, to help me finish them. Huh. Why didn't I see then that for all Leonard was still trying to get into my pants, it was actually him that created the problem and then walked away, and it was Sheldon who stayed and helped me? Holy crap. I think I _have_ been dating the wrong guy across the hallway. Sheldon's always the one who helps me. I frickin' gave up dating on Saturday nights so I could do laundry with him. When I broke up with Leonard the first time, it was Sheldon who sought me out and spent time with me when I was lonely. _

_There's a big problem with the idea of dating Sheldon, though. Wow. Just putting those words down on paper kinda freaks me out a little. The thing is, I don't care how geeky he is. I don't mind if he loves trains (okay, I might roll my eyes a little). But he puts people down a lot. He's said some zingers to me, Leonard, Raj, Howard, strangers at the grocery store... I don't think I could put up with that. Well, I can at least talk to him and tell him how I feel._

So Penny gave up on trying to figure out her career plans for now. She texted Sheldon and asked him to come over for dinner. She thought about making spaghetti with cut-up hot dogs, but decided against it. She didn't want to give him the impression that she was going out of her way to make him happy, not when she had left him hanging after his declaration.

So, over a pizza from Giacomo's, Penny told him what she had been thinking about lately. That was the nice thing about talking to Sheldon, she thought. There was no subtext. You could just say what you were thinking, and he wouldn't take offense to it, at least, not with her.

"So... are you asking me to change?" Sheldon said with an edge to his voice.

"No, sweetie, I'm just being honest with you." She glanced down, fidgeted with a fold of her capris, before admitting in a low voice, "I can't go back to Leonard. I see that now. Our relationship was a on-again, off-again mess of each of us trying to be something we weren't. We both had issues that we thought having someone love us would fix. But it didn't. I just kept giving up pieces of myself, and he kept trying to change me into his idea of the perfect girlfriend. I hated it. So no, I'm not asking you to change for me. But you said you wanted to be in a relationship with me, so I'm telling you what needs to happen in order to make that work. Leonard and I have both hurt each other and damaged our friendship. I don't want to make the same mistake twice."

Sheldon thanked her for the dinner and said his goodbyes, feeling both confused and hopeful.


	6. Chapter 6

Sheldon left Penny's apartment, his mind awhirl with new ideas. Usually, when he was in this state, he was trying to solve an equation that he hoped would prove string theory. But tonight, Penny had given him a lot to think about. He walked into his living room and set up a white board. First, he mentally reviewed the last week and tallied the remarks he had made that might be construed as disparaging. Then he did the same with the past month. The results were not encouraging. It was very frustrating to him. Penny seemed to want him to not only refrain from saying certain things to her, but from making similar comments to other people as well. He added several heuristic algorithms to his board, but they didn't seem to be solving the underlying issue. He needed help, pure and simple. So he picked up his phone and dialed the one person who understood him best.

"Hello, Meemaw?"

"Why, Shelly dear, such a pleasure to hear from you. Is something on your mind?"

"How did you know?" he asked, mystified.

"Well, it's not the first Wednesday of the month, so something must be up," Meemaw replied.

"You're right, Meemaw. I could never pull the wool over your eyes," he said, chastised.

She chuckled. "You just go ahead and tell me all about it, Moonpie."

"Well... someone who is important to me has requested that I alter my behavior."

"It's Penny, isn't it?" she asked promptly.

Again, Sheldon was taken aback at the seemingly clairvoyant abilities of his grandmother.

"Yes. Why didn't you think I was talking about Amy or Leonard?"

"Oh, Moonpie, I'm sure they both want you to change, but only to benefit themselves. And since their motives are entirely selfish, neither one of them would just come right out and say it to you. There's only one person in your life that would tell you the truth because she cares, and that's Penny."

"But you haven't even met her. How do you know what she is like?"

"I hear it every time you speak her name, Shelly. And you've told me about all the nice things she's done for you. I can tell how much she means to you. So what did Penny ask you to do?"

"She wants me to stop 'talking down to people', as she put it. She says... well, Meemaw, I might as well tell you the whole story. I broke up with Amy, and I kissed Penny... not necessarily in that order."

Meemaw started dancing a jig on the worn linoleum of her kitchen floor. "I have to say, Sheldon, I think that's the smartest decision you've made in a long time. I know your momma manipulated you into getting back together with that Amy girl, and you haven't been yourself since. You always seemed sort of beaten down. I have to tell you, your momma and I argued something fierce over that."

"You did? Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"Oh, Moonpie, don't you see? At that point, anything I might have said against Amy would have just made you more determined to stay with her. You Cooper men are all hard-headed and all alike. Your Pappy, God rest his soul, was the stubbornest man alive. We used to fight like two cats tied together by their tails." She chuckled. "But then we'd make up, and my, how the sparks would fly. He's been gone near twenty years, and I still miss that man every day."

"Penny and I have had some significant altercations over the years as well," he confessed.

"Of course you have! You need passion in a relationship, not some cold fish who doesn't have enough sense to let go of something that was never hers. Sheldon, you need someone who _feels_ more than she thinks. Lord only knows, you do enough thinking for a dozen people. You never needed more of the same. Now, I think your Penny is making a good point. It ain't hard to kiss a girl. It's a lot harder to be worthy of her. The fact that she's asking you to be a better man shows that _she's _worthy of you. It's a challenge, Moonpie. She's thrown down a gauntlet. Now the question is, what are you gonna do about it?"

"I suppose I could try."

"Nothin' was ever accomplished by trying, dear boy. I know that at times, you're a very self-contained young man. She'll only respect you the more if you show her you're in control of yourself. Physically, you're a man. Now it's time to start acting like one."

"I think you're right, Meemaw," he said in a bemused tone of voice.

She laughed heartily. "Of course I'm right. Wasn't I married to the best of the Cooper men for over thirty-five years? And speaking of marriage, Moonpie, when the time is right, nothing would make me happier than for you to give that girl of yours the same ring your Pappy gave me all those years ago."

Sheldon felt stunned. "Marriage?" he yelped.

"Of course, Shelly. Like I said, you're a Cooper man through and through. And you're all terribly single-minded. Once you set your mind on something, you're like a dog with a bone. You ain't never gonna give it up. Now, you be a good boy and think about what I said. And call me anytime, Moonpie," she said, her voice softening. "It sure does brighten my day to talk to you."

After ending the call, Sheldon turned back to his whiteboard. Bemused, he added a sketch of a face-centered cubic lattice of carbon to one corner of the board.

Howard peered around the corner of the university hallway. "Looks like the coast is clear."

"Goody, goody, goody!" Raj exclaimed, clapping his hands like a demented toddler.

The two friends hurried out to the parking lot. Just an hour ago, Leonard had texted Howard to say he wouldn't be joining them for lunch. When Raj found out, he had begged Howard to take him to the new frozen yogurt place that had recently opened just off campus. Howard had grumbled a little, but eventually given in. He couldn't resist the pleading look in Raj's big brown eyes. Since neither of them wanted Sheldon to come along, they had to sneak past his office on the way out.

Now, ice cream cones in hand, they were walking past a row of shops and eateries, taking the long way back to the science building. Raj insisted that he needed to burn off the calories from their sugary treat. Suddenly, Howard grabbed his friend's arm.

"Dude, what are you doing? I almost dropped my double-fudge mocha chip," Raj protested.

"Look," Howard hissed, pulling Raj into the shadow of a store's awning. "Isn't that Leonard? Who's that girl he's with?"

"Oh my cow, that's Sheldon's former assistant, Alex," Raj exclaimed excitedly, spying on the pair who looked very cozy together at a café table. "Do you think they're on a date?"

"Of course it's not a date; Leonard and Penny are still technically a couple." He watched as Alex flipped her hair over her shoulder and laughed at something Leonard said, leaning in towards him. "On the other hand..." he said with a frown as he saw Leonard and Alex gather their things and get up from the table. Alex leaned in to give Leonard a hug, and he returned it, wrapping his arms around her for more than three Mississippi's. Then they walked companionably side by side down the sidewalk.

That evening, as Leonard and Sheldon drove home, Sheldon was uncharacteristically quiet.

"So... you wanna play the elements game?" Leonard offered.

"No, thank you."

"You haven't said a word since we left the campus. Wanna catch me up?"

Hearing the suspicion in Leonard's voice, Sheldon sighed. "You didn't eat lunch in the cafeteria today," he noted.

"Yeah, I told you, I've been trying to catch up on some work."

"Earlier this week, when I needed to ask you about something, I couldn't locate you in either your office or the laboratory."

"Well, I must have just been in between the two places, or maybe I was in the men's room, or getting a snack from the vending machine," Leonard blustered.

"Did you know that today, Howard and Raj decided to treat themselves to some frozen yogurt after lunch?"

"So what's that go to do with..." Leonard trailed off, his mouth agape in shock. The university cafeteria sold ice cream, not frozen yogurt. He had seen the flyers for the new establishment, and it dawned on him that it was only a few shops down from where he had met Alex that day.

"Unbeknownst to you, they accidentally observed your clandestine rendezvous with Alex Jensen. Your actions suggest that you have decided to pursue other romantic avenues while your relationship with Penny is still in limbo," Sheldon said with an odd edge to his voice.

"Oh, no, no, no. That's where you're confused. Alex and I are just friends," Leonard replied.

"Then why have you been lying to me, Howard and Raj about your activities? As I recall, her attentions toward you in the past were most definitely of a romantic nature, if Penny's reaction was any indication."

"Look, Penny and I on a break, okay?" Leonard whined. "Alex and I aren't dating. I'm just keeping my options open."

Sheldon thought about that for a moment. "How would Penny feel if she knew you were getting together with Alex as a friend?"

"Oh my gosh, Sheldon, if you breathe a word of this to her, she'll hogtie and castrate me," Leonard exclaimed.

"I see," Sheldon replied, turning his head so his roommate wouldn't see the smirk on his face. After all, everyone knew that he was incapable of keeping a secret.

A/N: Sorry it's taken me so long to update this. The problem is that I know what will happen later in the story, but I was waiting for inspiration to strike about what happens in between those points, since after all, this was supposed to be a one-shot. Flattery will get you more story, apparently...


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Forgot to mention this before. In the last chapter, Sheldon drew a face-centered cubic lattice of carbon on his whiteboard. That's a technical description of a diamond...**

Penny hadn't been spending much time with the guys. It was too awkward seeing Leonard, and she wasn't sure how to approach Sheldon, either. Nevertheless, it was Saturday night, and she decided to head down to the laundry room like usual. When she entered the room, Sheldon was already there, sorting his clothing.

"Hello, Penny," he said, smiling a genuine smile at her.

"Hey, Sheldon," she replied. Instantly, she wanted to kick herself. How had her voice managed to come out sounding so breathy? At least, she consoled herself, Sheldon wouldn't notice if her vocal cords suddenly tried to do a Marilyn Monroe impression every time she saw him.

"So... umm... how are things going at work?" she asked to cover her confusion. It was an innocent question, but the response she got was unexpected.

He turned to face her, his tics twitching wildly as he said, "Absolutely nothing unusual has happened at work at all. And it has nothing to do with Leonard, either... or a certain former assistant of mine."

"_What_?" Penny all but screeched. "Alex is back? What's going on between her and Leonard? Dammit, I knew I couldn't trust that sneaky little bastard!"

"I never said that there was anything going on between Leonard and Alex," Sheldon protested.

"Yeah, but there is, isn't there? I'll bet he asked you to keep it a secret, too," Penny growled. She took a few swift steps forward until she was almost nose-to-nose with him.

"Tell me what you know," she ordered.

Sheldon was still more than a little scared of Penny when she was angry, and he also had some concerns that his plan might backfire. After all, one of the reasons that she had agreed to the "beta test" with Leonard was because of how jealous she had gotten when he was dating Priya. All he could do was hope that her recent journaling had compelled her to take an objective view of her life. With that in mind, he repeated what Howard and Raj had told him. Leonard had been meeting Alex secretly, but they hadn't seen any proof that he was actually cheating.

She nodded and took a step backwards out of Sheldon's personal zone.

"I'm wondering how I would feel if they _did_ see him kissing Alex," she mused. "I think it would hurt a little, but it's more because being with Leonard always made me feel dumb. I think, from the way he kept pestering me to take college courses, that it's really important for him to date someone who's smart."

Sheldon shook his head. "I believe his true motivation was that he felt you weren't educated enough to sufficiently admire his genius."

"And what about you?" she asked, eyes narrowing. "You called me a blonde monkey once."

He swallowed hard, suddenly conscious of the conversational minefield into which he had blundered. "Actually, Penny, if you will permit me to point out, you were the one who said those words. I will admit that my response, however, was juvenile and in poor taste. I sometimes took the adversarial nature of our relationship to extremes that I now realize were not beneficial to our friendship."

"Was that an apology?" she asked skeptically, crossing her arms.

He hesitated perhaps longer than a prudent man would have, but he had to search his feelings, which was not something he did easily or well. He let the answer resonate through his psyche until he was certain that apologizing to Penny wouldn't make him feel defeated or outmaneuvered.

"Yes, Penny," he said at last. "I apologize for the comments I have made in the past which disparaged your intelligence. If anything, my friendship with you has taught me that there are other measures by which a person has value and contributes to their community and society in general. For example, your empathy helps you to relate in a positive manner with people that you encounter, which in turn gains you their goodwill."

She snorted. "If only that could help me land a decent role."

"Penny, I believe that your acting career suffers more from a lack of focused attention than from any inability on your part. You are a talented actor, but, like me, you have suffered many setbacks in your career."

She frowned. "Yeah, I guess that's true. You know, I've been trying to work out my problems on paper like you suggested. Every time I try to answer a question about my acting, I end up writing about relationships instead. I think I need to get things straightened out with Leonard first, and then I'll be able to focus on my career."

He nodded. "That is a logical supposition. Have you decided what you are going to tell Leonard?" He was fairly certain he already knew the answer from her earlier angry reaction, but he needed to make sure.

"Yup," she said quietly. "He's not going to like it, but it's time for me to get off this crazy ride."

The next evening, Penny knocked on the door to 4A, nervously wiping her palms on her jeans. Sheldon answered the door, looking faintly surprised that she had bothered to knock. Ever since she had asked Leonard for a break, though, Penny hadn't felt comfortable with the idea of barging in.

"Hey, umm... is Leonard here?" she asked softly. "I need to speak to him. It's important."

Sheldon knew, with Penny having to say anything, that she had come to close the final chapter in her ill-fated relationship with Leonard. So he invited her to have a seat on the sofa and fetched his roommate.

Leonard brightened when he saw her. "Hey, Penny, what's up?"

She patted the couch cushion to her right. "Sit down, Leonard. We need to talk. Sheldon, would you please give us some privacy?" She was dreading this conversation and knew it probably showed on her face. She hated to hurt him, but it seemed to be inevitable.

Leonard studied her face with a sinking heart. Although he had enjoyed the comfort Alex had happily provided, he had been hoping that Penny would take him back. The grim look on her face told him otherwise.

"I've given this a lot of serious thought," she began. "Leonard, you know you will always mean a lot to me. I care a lot about you, and nothing is going to change that. But I think we're better off as friends."

"Penny, please, I love you," Leonard begged. "Come on, we can make this work. It's a beta test, right? Just tell me what I'm doing wrong, and I'll fix it."

She shook her head and sighed. "Leonard, you're so quick to say the words, 'I love you', but I think they're just a way for you to try to hold on to what you think is yours. If you really loved me, you wouldn't be having lunch with Alex Jensen."

Leonard's mouth dropped open when she said that. She went on quickly, before he could try to explain.

"If what you felt for me was really love, you wouldn't have hopped into bed with Dr. Plimpton just days after we broke up the first time. You once told me that you wanted to marry Priya, and in the same breath, you were planning on sleeping with some other girl you met at the comic book store. You've had plenty of opportunities to change, Leonard, and you haven't. The problem with this beta test idea is that you shouldn't pulling stunts like that in the first place. I shouldn't have to _tell _you to be supportive of my acting. I shouldn't have to _tell_ you to stop pressuring me to take college classes even though I haven't declared a major, and I know it's not going to help me become an actress. And if I've told you twenty times what works for me in bed, and you still don't listen, you should have figured out that all those exaggerated, loud moans mean that I'm faking it!"

"Wait... what? You were faking how good I was?" he cried.

"In more ways than one. Look, this whole mess is partly my fault, too. I didn't tell you how I really felt about the college classes. I pretended you were good in bed. And I... I told you I loved you when I wasn't sure I meant it, just because I didn't want to lose you. We both deserve better. Go ask Alex out, Leonard. I give you my blessing. Maybe she'll be the right one for you. All I know is, I'm not the one, and I don't think I ever was."

"Isn't there anything I can do to change your mind?" Leonard asked, tilting his head and giving her his best sad-puppy-dog look.

She shook her head. "No. It's time for us to stop doing the same things over and over again, thinking it will somehow be different this time. We both need to move on."

Penny walked out of the apartment and closed the door softly behind her. She wondered if she should feel sad. Instead, she felt as if a giant weight had been lifted from her shoulders, leaving her feeling liberated and hopeful.


	8. Chapter 8

Sheldon rapped his triple knock on Penny's door. She opened the door just as he said her name the third time, illustrating that she had been waiting for him to finish his ritual.

"Hey, Sheldon, come on in," she said. There seemed to be an edge to her voice. Was she upset? Nervous? For the umpteenth time, he wished that he was as adept at reading human emotion as he was at understanding particle physics.

She had their regular order of Thai food set out on the coffee table. As they sat down, she asked, "So, how have you been?"

He wasn't sure what she wanted to know, so he gave her a blunt reply that was like a status report. "I am pleased with the progress I am making on my work with iterative image-domain decomposition. On a personal level, except for some sleep deprivation, I am enjoying excellent health."

She shook her head slightly at Sheldon's techno-babble, and focused on the one part of his answer that she understood. "Sleep deprivation?" she echoed. "Are you feeling all right, Sheldon?"

"Yes. The source of the sleep deprivation comes from the aggressively loud noises emanating from Leonard's bedroom almost every night this week. My new noise-cancelling headphones are not as good as they were advertised."

Her eyebrows shot up. "Wow, that was fast. So Alex has been sleeping over almost every night?"

He nodded with a mournful expression. "The only positive aspect to this new relationship of Leonard's is that Alex still treats me with deference."

"You mean, you still scare the crap out of her, the poor little mousy thing," Penny commented with a wicked grin. "One night when I was getting home from work, I saw Leonard had her backed up against the apartment door. He barely took his tongue out of her mouth to say hello. That is one weird couple," she added with a grimace.

"Are you regretting your decision to end your romantic affiliation with Leonard?" he asked quietly.

"What? Oh, hell no. No, that ship has sailed, I swear. In fact-" she leaned forward with merriment dancing in her eyes, "-if I ever show any signs of missing him, you have my permission to make a bonfire out of my Care Bear collection."

He laughed in breathy little gasps, but then sobered. "Am I to assume that you have come to a decision regarding my proposal of a few weeks ago?"

She winced. "Please don't say the word proposal. I can't believe how close I came to making the biggest mistake of my life after my part got cut. And... I'm sorry, but I still need to get my life together. The journaling is helping, but now I've realized that I'm working too many hours for not enough money. I've got to make some changes. I've been thinking... I know this girl who works at a gentleman's club, waiting tables. She says she could get me a job there. The tips would be a lot better. Sometimes, she makes a couple hundred dollars in one night."

Sheldon digested this information carefully, fighting back a wave of panic. Perhaps he was mistaken about what she was suggesting.

"What would be involved in such a job?" he asked.

"It would be pretty much the same as what I do now at the Cheesecake Factory, except the uniform would be a little different."

"Define 'different'," he said in a harsh voice he hardly recognized as his own.

"Well... there's fishnet tights, heels, a thong and some suspenders."

"Are you saying you would be serving food topless?" he asked, stunned.

"I... the tips are good, and I really need the money," she said in a small voice. She turned her head too late; he had caught the glimpse of tears in her eyes.

"Penny, I have no control over what you choose to do with your life. As of this moment, I am only a friend. But as your friend, I implore you not to accept a position that would once again put you in a position of being treated like an object rather than a human being."

"I just don't know what else to do," she said, wiping her eyes on a napkin.

"There, there," Sheldon said, pulling her into a hug. She cuddled close in his arms, and he fought hard to control his instincts to do more. It was a battle he lost when she looked up into his face with tear-filled eyes. He would have done anything to make her feel loved and valued. The kiss started out slowly, as he brushed her lips with his own. His thoughts ground to a halt when she kissed him back, tasting like peanut sauce and strawberries.

After a long moment, she pulled away. "Oh, crap. I need to stop doing this. I feel like I'm taking advantage of you."

He smiled down at her, a sexy lopsided grin that made her want to throw herself into his arms again. "Here I thought I was the one taking advantage of you."

She giggled, and he felt enormously relieved to hear her sounding happy again. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. "Penny, I believe I may have a solution to your dilemma."

She sat up straighter. "What is it?"

"Having Alex re-enter my life unexpectedly has reminded me that at one point, I was able to hire a personal assistant. I may be able to convince Human Resources to allow me to hire you in that capacity."

She frowned thoughtfully. "But Sheldon, I don't know anything about physics. You know that."

"True, but I have Raj to assist me with my calculations. Your job would be to assist me with more mundane tasks such as paperwork, picking up meals and dry cleaning-"

"You don't own any clothes fancy enough to need dry cleaning," she said wryly.

Feeling like a samurai about to commit seppuku, he said hesitantly, "Perhaps my new personal assistant could help me to choose some wardrobe pieces that would be appropriate for a more professional setting."

Her jaw dropped. "You mean, you would _pay_ me to dress you and make you look hot?"

"Professional," he corrected. "You would help me to dress more professionally."

She squealed and hugged him. "That sounds perfect. Thank you, Sheldon! Oh, I hope this works!"

"The things I do for love," he commented drily.

When she looked at him with a shocked expression, he smirked. "It's a figure of speech."

She gave him a wan smile, looking relieved. "Sheldon, I'm sorry. I feel like I'm leading you on. I'm attracted to you, but I really don't want to jump into a relationship before I've got all my crap figured out. I can't pretend that everything that went wrong between Leonard and me was his fault... even though I kinda wish I could," she added with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes.

"Penny, over the last few weeks, you have stopped drinking, ended a detrimental relationship, and have re-applied yourself to your career goals. I think you deserve more credit than you are giving yourself. However, if you still feel you need time for personal growth before you enter a new relationship, then it is well worth the wait. _You_ are worth waiting for. I can assure you, I have no other romantic prospects on the horizon. I have no interest in anyone romantically except for you."

He heard a sniffle and looked over in alarm to see Penny wiping tears from her eyes. "Did I say something wrong?" he asked cautiously.

"No, sweetie. That was actually one of the nicest things anyone's said to me in a long time. You're changing, too, and I think you ought to give yourself credit for that."

As Penny leaned over to hug him, Sheldon was finally beginning to hope that a relationship between the two of them was not a matter of _if_, but _when_.

Sheldon took a seat in the plastic chair across from the desk of Mrs. Davis, the university's human resources director. It was quite a low chair. Any person shorter than Sheldon would have been looking up at her in the manner of a supplicant. Mentally, he gave her props for being a wily and cunning foe.

She glanced up at him. "Dr. Cooper, what a pleasant surprise," she said flatly. "What can I do for you?"

He surmised her first statement was sarcasm, more from the fact that he knew she couldn't stand him than from her tone of voice. "I have come with a proposition for you, Mrs. Davis."

She raised one eyebrow. "Do you need to take a refresher course in sexual harassment in the workplace?"

Sheldon looked confused. "No. Why on earth would I want to do that? I've come to request that you hire someone as my new personal assistant. In fact, I already have someone lined up for the job."

"Of course you do. Well, as you know, Dr. Cooper, positions at the university are like candy; they're just free for the taking."

He squinted suspiciously at her. "That's sarcasm, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is, and my answer is no. As I recall, you already wrangled a position for one of your friends a few years ago."

"That was an entirely different matter. Dr. Koothrapali was already employed by the university at the time. When his funding was cut, I hired him to assist me in my research on the annihilation spectrum of dark matter gamma rays, a position in which he has performed as well as can be expected. Today, I am asking you to hire a personal assistant for me."

Mrs. Davis groaned and put her head in her hands.

Sheldon slid a folder across the desk toward the older woman. She looked at it but didn't touch it.

"Just what is this?" she asked.

"As I said before, it is my proposition."

She opened the folder and scanned the contents. As she read, her eyebrows rose higher and higher. Finally, she looked up. "All right, just who is this person you want to hire?" she asked.

"Her name is Penny Larsen."

"No, I mean, who is she to you?" Penny was a woman's name, she thought. With any other man, she would have suspected him of having ulterior motives. But this was Sheldon Cooper she was dealing with, so all bets were off.

"Penny is a friend of mine, but I assure you I have full confidence in her abilities to adequately perform the job requirements," he said.

She turned her attention back to the folder. "This is a big sacrifice for just a friend."

"I can afford it," he said stiffly. "The only thing I am asking of you is that you put her name on the payroll so her pay checks appear to come from the university."

Mrs. Davis closed the folder and leveled a steely gaze at Sheldon. "Well, this is very... generous of you, Dr. Cooper, but I'm afraid I can't justify allowing you to have more than one assistant when you don't even have tenure yet." She opened the folder and perused its contents once more. "This says that as your personal assistant, part of her duties would be to help you maintain a more professional demeanor in the workplace. What exactly does that mean?"

Sheldon fidgeted, feeling uncomfortable for reasons he couldn't quite put a finger on. "Penny has a very keen sense of fashion, and so I wrote it into her job description that she would help me to revamp my workplace attire."

For the first time he could remember, a genuine smile came across Mrs. Davis's face. "You must really have it bad for this girl. Does she know how you feel about her?" she asked.

A faint tinge of pink stained his cheeks as he nodded silently.

"And?" she prompted impatiently when he wasn't forthcoming with further details.

He sighed heavily. "She says that she is attracted to me, but she needs time for introspection in order to address certain personal issues regarding relationships."

Mrs. Davis was nodding thoughtfully. "Well, as I've already stated, I can't justify another hire in the physics department at this time. But, given the fact that this young lady might be able to persuade one of the university's brightest minds to stop dressing like a children's TV show host, I think we can work something out. You send her over tomorrow morning for an interview. There are a few open positions she might qualify for. If I do hire her, it won't be necessary for her salary to come out of your paycheck. But a new wardrobe won't be amiss... and neither would your volunteering to advise a few more graduate students. Do we have an understanding, Dr. Cooper?"

His face had starting twitching wildly when she mentioned the graduate students, but he managed to regain his composure. "If you can offer her a full-time position with benefits, I will take on three graduate students."

She gave him a penetrating look. "And none of them will go crying to Gablehauser about how mean you are, or how many times you've called them stupid?"

"I will endeavor to be patient and less judgmental with my advisees," he replied stiffly.

For the second time that day, she smiled at him. "In that case, Dr. Cooper, I think we've got ourselves a deal."

**A/N: Wow, this was a long chapter... not that I think I'll hear any complaints. I couldn't quite get it long enough to break up into two chapters, so enjoy!**


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